It takes a lot of courage to walk into the memory of darkness and to embrace those broken and heartbreaking memories. People move on, in fact, our life always pushes us to go forward otherwise living in the past won't give you anything but pain. One year; today is 24th February 2023. One year ago, my entire life became up and down on the same day. My bright days turned into darkness; that darkness I am still carrying.
A girl who left her country to chase her dreams about 6 years ago to live in Ukraine had been forced to leave her dreams again due to war in Ukraine. Whenever I think about 24th February, I found myself living in darkness and fear. Carrying a huge burden and sadness is not so easy and I guess I will carry that for my entire life. I clearly can recall how 24th February 2022 started and how I ended up living in the basement to stay safe. My potential life and career were shattered in front of me. I remember how I woke up at 5.00 am in the morning, in fact, today I also woke up at the same time, just in a different place.
People often ask me why I don't go back to my homeland. Well, perhaps it's my homeland but I have nothing left there. I was reading all the war articles I have written so far and I couldn't hold my tears. No matter how safe the current place is, I never find positivity around me. Even in this entire year, I didn't have a single moment when I didn't feel guilty and sad. I am finding it very difficult to adjust here in NL. Some say this is happening because I embraced my past and don't wanna come out of it but I don't find any motivation or inspiration living in this beautiful, safe country Holland. Even today I was thinking I should go back.
Every single day of this entire year was challenging for me. Each day was a struggle and from then to now on I am still struggling. Many of you might know that my treatment process started. The treatment process is based on Acute Stress Disorder (ASD) which I am having currently. Initially, after listening to me, my psychiatrist told me I am having Acute Stress Disorder but after 6 weeks, if I don't recover or after evaluation, the further process will start. Not only powerful anti-depression medicine is provided for 1 week for me but also I am in the IHT (intensive home treatment) program. That means every day 2 people visit me and ask me about my day and health and try to reduce my stress level by talking. Well, about medicine, it's powerful and I feel sleepy throughout the entire day.
I really hope this treatment help otherwise I have a fear that I will develop Acute depression eventually. My life journey was never been easy until now, it was never straight. I often feel I am being punished for everything. Every day I think I wish I could stop all of these all at once. The flashbacks, the sounds, and the fear seem so real every day and I feel like I am still living in nightmares.
My doctor assured me I will be better, and I will recover but when nobody knows. On the other hand, my workplace started drama. Obviously, the company doesn't wanna pay someone for free and doesn't wanna understand the problem because I am not injured. Everything is in my head and I cannot control my brain obviously. Several times I thought about finishing myself and that's why now I am a psychiatric patient. I tried a lot to control my emotions and to look at the bright side of life but I failed. I don't blame anybody for my condition except myself only. I could have done more for myself. A lot happened in the past and the time period between each trauma is short. The entire treatment plan and process is long- term and it will take time.
I look like a normal person, with no injury, nothing. I am able to do normal chores, there is nothing wrong with me where on the other hand my inside is completely shattered. Yesterday I was even thinking what if I grab all of the medicines and end everything all at once? I shared this thought with nurses and now they are suggesting I also need a psychologist as well because my behavior is changing. I started maintaining social distance which means I don't talk to people in fact I get annoyed if somebody asks me something. I don't trust people and I like to be hidden among people. I feel I am a creature who is stuck in a cage. That creature already accepted that this cage is only its life...
I can't say how the treatment process will be turned out, it is possible that soon I will recover. It is also possible that according to my condition, medicine doses will change. I don't know anything. My behavior changed a lot, I barely can recognize myself now. Everything changed so quickly within 2 weeks.
An unforgettable horrifying war and a deep invisible scar that I will always recall on 24th February.
Wishing peace for Ukraine...
Thanks for reading my meaningless article...
Love
Priyan...
I am @priyanarc.... An architect, a dreamer, and a passionate writer who loves to write about life. I try to present my own perspective and experiences. Please leave your feedback and criticism because it's the only way I can know and reach your mind and thought easily...
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Ya I am currently relying on the treatment and trusting the treatment process. There is nothing more I can do because I have done my job asking for help. Ya, other additional processes will come in time, let's see how everything goes...
You have to have faith that’s the start and the meds will help you get back on your feet and talking and trying to,give all that happens will be the hard part. Maybe the road will be long but you can do this
You have the power to overcome, and maybe return to Ukraine
It is not easy for sure. No need to rush on things very painful to heal right away. I don't what to say or I don't know how to comfort you through words. Still, I'm hoping for you to be healed and recover from such darkness in your life.
We are human beings and living means learning how to handle things. Take care.
I am getting the desired treatment and medications as well but my fear is the addiction to the medicines. These medicines are seductive and one can easily get addicted to them. My issues also required seeing a psychologist as well but for now, I am only getting Psychiatric treatment...
My prayers for you and for the end of the war.
Thank you...
It is an anniversary of that terrible date. I wish you that the treatment works well and quickly, so that the path of recovery is good.
I don't want you to blame yourself for this whole situation, if anyone is to blame it's asshole Putin for starting the invasion against Ukraine.
I can understand your employers, but I don't like their inability to understand the stress of a person who survived in war territory.
I wish you that everything gets better soon and that everything is for the best.
Stay !ALIVE
!LOLZ
!GIF gets better soon!
!MEME
!PGM
!LUV
!CTP
Whatever happens today in my life I feel I am the one and only responsible because instead of thinking and focusing on self-care and health, I focused on other things which caused this mental issue that I am having. Each and every situation and darkness of my life eat me inside and I am stuck in a box now.
Work culture is so different here and I will write about it when I feel better.
Until then I have to trust the treatment process...
True, we are responsible for ourselves. No one can heal us and nothing can heal us if we don't trust the process. It may take time but be patient, just like waiting for the next day to arrive. It's not easy I know but you need to keep on holding and yeah, just trust the process. Time heals.
I know and I will try my best. Currently, my body and mind are in survival mode so there is no other option except to trust the treatment procedures...
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No. You couldn't have done better. In fact, you did the best you could.
Reading you is reminding me of my own thoughts a couple of years ago. It hurts. And it will pass. For you too.
I'm glad you've started treatment, little by little you'll feel better again. Please love yourself above everything and everyone. I send you lots of love to compensate for the love you don't feel able to give yourself now. ❤️
!LUV
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I never focused on this self-love thing, in fact after all of this situation, I never thought about my mental health or my inner peace. As a result, now I am getting treatment. On the other hand, it was a good idea to ask for treatment, it will help me in the future...
You've started and that's the hardest part, keep going! ❤️
Writing can be an escape valve, there is little I can do, but I really want you to get ahead. Take care and feel better.
I write but due to the high power of the medication, I feel dizzy all the time and my body feels so tired... But I hope this treatment will help me to recover soon...
Many of us want him to recover, but at his own pace. Let each day be a big or small step for your improvement.
You can call me stubborn because I often ignore my inner voices and thought I am fine, and nothing will happen, and constantly ignore my emotions and mental issues. Every incident of my life put a big impact on my present and now I am in a delicate position. Now boom and all coming together in front of me. But I am trusting the treatment process and hope I will get better...
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Hang in there, keep talking and accepting support. ❤️❤️❤️
I am finding it very difficult to talk in front of people (doctors and nurses) sometimes due to guilty, sometimes when I talk about my dark side of life, I feel so uncomfortable but I hope this treatment will help...
I'm the same but they don't call it talking therapy for nothing. I'm sure it will help alleviate your guilt. There's no need to feel guilty but I think it's perfectly normal why you do. Good luck with it all, and don't forget that you have people on here who are all rooting for you. ❤️
Thanks my dear, I am eagerly looking forward to the bright days...
🥺 hold on...we all need to survive...
I am trying my best :)
My prays are with you and the Ukrainians. Hope this nightmare finish soon.
I hope so too...
God bless you, my prays for you and for Ukrania. Everyona has a mission here, as someone wrote here, "we all need to survive", and I would add: we all need each other.
As I have said every single day is a challenge and I feel like I am fighting with myself every day...
I completely understand that feeling. Just remember each day you win a fight too, everyday you becoma stronger and better.
That is true indeed...
Life, God, they always give us test to make us better, sometimes it is hard but never impossible.
Who you are becoming now may be the inspiration for many in the future, never give up
I feel like God is punishing me but also I believe it is God who will save me from this misery as well...
I can understand that feeling too, sometimes we can think what we live is a punishment or a course, but something I have learned is there is always someone with harder life than mine. I know it's not so good to compare, but when I feel stuck in life and I compare my "bad life" with other´s, always I have chosen to keep my bad life. I don´t mean your is easy and happy,, but we are still alive, and we can make a difference, we can teach others what NOT to do or how they can be better without go throught our experiences.
Hhow do I know that? Because your post here, and other´s, about Ukrania war have helped me to boost my life, to include in my lectures this non-sense war, to teach myself and others about how life can change in one day wiyhout warning and we must be aware of that, you have been inspiration and example for us. Maybe you don´t know but people like me , in the other side of the World is reading your posts, your experiences and you are changing lives, always I have chosen to keep my bad life. I don´t mean your is easy and happy, but we are still alive, and we can make a difference, we can teach others what NOT to do or how they can be better without going through our experiences.
How do I know that? Because your post here, and other´s, about Ukrania war has helped me to boost my life, to o include in my lectures this non-sense war, to teach myself and others about how life can change in one day without warning and we must be aware of that, you have been an inspiration and example for us. Maybe you don´t know, but people like me, on the other side of the World is reading your posts, your experiences and you are changing lives.
আসলে একটা কথা আছে সবুরে নেওয়া ফলে ধৈর্য ধরুন অবশ্যই ভালো কিছু পাবেন এখন হয়তো খারাপ সময় চলছে ইউক্রেনের কিন্তু অবশ্যই একটি সময় ভালো আসবে আগের সময় আবার ফিরে আসবে আপনার জীবনে দোয়া রইল আপনার প্রতি
Thank you, duya korben...
Be kind to yourself. Lot's of things happen to us which we can have little or no control over. What you have gone through is beyond your control. But things will get better.
It may not mean anything to you, but please know you are in my prayers. I'm praying that God will give you his peace.
I should have done it a long time ago when I was dealing with it all together instead I pushed myself. I thought I am strong enough to hold myself but I guess I had reached the breaking point of mine...
It's easy to look at others and think we should be able to endure the same. But we are all different. I'm sure you have strengths that those who seem strong don't have. Although I haven't been through what you've been through, I know how easy it is to push too hard. I hope your time away brings the healing you need and you come out of it stronger for having gone through it.
Thank you for the words and inspiration.
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You're welcome🌹♥️🌹
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Hi honey! War end in summer and we all back! Stay strong 💪
I wish for the best and we can return to our home...
Oh, that's tough😔. I can't think what's best to say to comfort you, my friend. Big hug to you. Your story made me really sad😔. I'm glad you're in a safe place now, that's what's important. Your goal now is to get better. Please try to get out in nature, and don't isolate yourself. I'm positive these will help you to look ahead and move forward. I do believe you can do it. Get well soon... You will be in my prayers along with our Ukrainian friends 🙏❤. Take care🌹.
I fight with myself every day and I wish I could explain how horrible these moments are and how helpless I feel daily. Trust my treatment process; that's all I can do now...
Thank you and have a nice weekend...
Remain strong!
You're going to overcome everything!
Thank you...
I cannot believe myself it's been over a year now... It feels like yesterday and at the same time also like forever. I cannot imagine to live it first person, but I have several friends that had to flee their lives (like you had to as well). I'm in fact recording a new song in Ukrainian, and I had a first deal of "trolling" with the first, but who would be threatened by a traditional lullaby... you know what I mean. It's all unfair and I know trauma will linger a long time. If only we could hope we'll learn from this but humanity tend to repeat on their mistakes. I feel a bit powerless. Please take care of yourself, You've lived through trauma (Gigi too) and it's normal to feel not like your former shelf. But we also grow by the challenges we overcome. Wishing you health and strength and of course peace of Ukraine too
Yes, I know and I have faced a similar trolling incident recently that was also part of my mental breakdown. I was a very strong woman but yes, the situation didn't let me stay strong, and surrounding and incidents tore me apart. Sometimes I feel I should have stayed in Kharkiv at home.
I lost hope though a part of me still says I will be better and feel strong once again...
Thanks dear...
Give yourself time, sometimes it's not our pain or our grief what needs to shrink but our courage and strength around it. And though you were not physically harmed it's obvious you were through a great deal of trauma, so give yourself time. And be gentle to embrace the new you because she's endured lots of stress.
Today my psychiatrist told me the same words as yours. I always push myself so hard and find it quite difficult to understand the new lifestyle. It's a struggle and I hope I can leave the past behind.
I think (this is just personal point of view) it's not about forgetting, or denying what has happened, but to grow our strength around it to overcome it, very much like an open wound scab and heal through a scar. The memory and the lesson of our lives challenges also shape who we are. Sometimes I get really sad and I delve to long in the the "what if" what if this never happened, where would I be now? And then I shake that off because you must remember you're here, here and now, and you have fought sh*it and you're standing. Be proud. And give yourself time to HEAL. Sending hugs.
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I am really sorry that your mental health means you need professional treatment Priyan, but it's great to hear that you are sticking to it, and I also hope that the treatment will help you to heal, please take care of yourself and stay !ALIVE
I had to ask for help because I knew that I couldn't hold this pain and burden anymore. I should have done it earlier but I thought eventually I will be fine and time will heal... Thank you...
Sounds like taking out a bad tooth, most wait longer than needed, but then it's better when it's done, take care and heal.
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