I was nominated by @appiepearl to participate in an initiative begun by @topkpop which relates to stepping outside of ones "comfort zone." In her own #nocomfortzone post which can be read here, @appiepearl said:
I like this one a lot. It's easy for us to write about the things that come naturally to us, or share photos of the things we do regularly and do well. But it's an entirely different thing to put ourselves out there in places we don't feel we shine, or in places we don't necessarily fit in, or sharing things that make us feel vulnerable.
So, onward and upward, eh...?
I have MANY issues which might fall into that category, but the one I am going to discuss now is anxiety.
image credit: omvblog.com
Although I was never one who really "enjoyed" crowds, per se, I was able to tolerate them in my younger days, especially if it was in pursuit of something enjoyable. For instance, being in a crowd of thousands of people milling about at a Street Fair was a bit trying, but bearable, and worth it for the variety of music, dance, and other entertainment that was presented.
Perhaps part of my general uneasiness in crowds stems from my childhood. Both of my parents — but, especially my mother — were overly protective of my brother and me; and, my father might have only been over-protective simply because of my mother's infuence. As children, we were seldom allowed to play at other kids' houses — I can count the instances on one hand. I only remember one time when a neighborhood child was allowed to come and play with me, when the girl next door and I swang next to each other and talked for a while. Otherwise, it was just my brother and me, and each of us often played alone because of differing interests.
Our family often went for a ride through the countryside on Sunday afternoons, to see what there was to see. (Gasoline was cheaper in those days.) However, we seldom got out of the car except to perhaps stretch our legs at the top of a mountain for a few minutes before resuming our rambling journey. Other than those rides, going to school, and attending church, we children didn't go anywhere. My father, of course, went to work, while my mother was a homemaker (a typical position for women, back in that era). One of my parents would go to the grocery store, alone, and bring back what we needed for the week. My mother would usually mail-order our clothing, so I was seldom taken shopping. Therefore, my socialization experience was largely limited to the immediately family.
We moved to a different area when I was eight years old, for a job opportunity that my father found. The residents of that area were not very open to new people, so it was difficult for an "outsider" to create a bond with others, especially when they were already a socially-awkward, shy child. So, I had NO true friends, no one in whom I could confide, which made possibilities of future socialization even more improbable. I was also frequently bullied, both physically as well as verbally, by some of the other children.
The cycle was broken when I went off to college and lived in a dorm. Again, I was socially awkward at first, but still managed to make some friends because we were ALL "outsiders" in that environment. Fast forward a few years to an abusive marriage. Fast forward way-too-many-years later when I finally had the courage and resources to leave that abusive marriage. Fast forward many years until I met my true love. Fast forward until he was diagnosed with a terminal illness and died...
And with my husband's death came a strange phenomenon — my anxiety in many situations multiplied intensely. Perhaps the strongest manifestation of it is when I am in a crowd of people. It is more pronounced when the crowd is strangers; but even in a crowd of friends and family, it is still somewhat prevalent, but more manageable. Among a throng of strangers, though, my mind springs into hyper-alert mode, my heart palpitates, my hands shake, and I feel a primal "fight or flight" response kick into gear.
This panic response can also be triggered by online drama, I have discovered, especially if I find myself caught in the middle of a battle. I recently left one online forum because there were frequent disagreements, which grew quite heated at times. Others had fled that situation, too, describing it as "toxic." Having been raised to give everyone the "benefit of the doubt," however, I stuck it out, thinking it might have merely been circumstances of the moment. But those "circumstances" seemed destined to repeat, over and over, and I began to see flashes of my abusive relationship surfacing. It's bad enough to see others arguing, but when I am directly targeted and falsely accused of things, it triggers anxiety attacks. There were several times in the days prior to my departure when I could barely type because of my shaking hands, and I was genuinely concerned that the stress would trigger a heart attack because of prior cardiac issues.
In fact, just typing/editing this post has gotten my heart racing because of what I am about to make public. My hands aren't shaking this time, but it feels like my heart is about to pound out of my chest and is skipping a beat, here and there.
What was it about my beloved's death that has caused axiety/panic attacks to become so prevalent and intense? I cannot answer that, as I have no degree in human psycology. My uneducated guess is that he was my anchor, with a special ability to calm me during stormy times. I felt safe with him. Without him, my sense of safety in the world disappeared. Some people have told me, "It takes time," but even several years after his passing, the anxiety I feel among strangers is as strong as ever. As a result, I stay home most of the time and only go out into the world when I have to do it — typically, once every week or two for a trip to the grocery store, or to pay bills and run similar errands. The only way I can cope during those times is to force myself to become a bit "short-sighted," to focus only on what is directly in front of me, the task at hand, and try to ignore the throngs that are only a stone's throw away.
It has also occurred to me that I might have some slight autistic tendencies. While never medically examined for such, I can relate to much of what is described in the experiences of autistic people, e.g. social awkwardness, fear of crowds, a distaste for bright lights and loud noises (which overload the senses and create a feeling of confusion), and a few other things. Of course, these might rather be manifestations of the social conditioning and environmental isolation that I experienced as a child and have nothing to do with austistic representation.
A friend of mine told me several years ago that it is possible that I might have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD), precipitated in-part by traumatic events earlier in my life and hastened into full-force by my husband's passing. I suppose that is, indeed, another possibility. I have actually shared a living space with someone with bona fide PTSD (which was brought on, in their case, from being in combat in the military) and my symptoms pale in comparison to theirs.
So, I don't know the source of my anxiety, nor how to control it other than living the life of a hermit. It is possible that a therapist or Xanax® could help, but even the thoughts of going out into the world to spill my guts to a stranger seems insurmountable. My only real-life friends live far away, in another state, and I haven't seen them in-person in years, although we talk on the phone frequently. The same is true for family. My "social life" at present is ONLY Steemit, Discord, and phone calls. For now, I will continue to immerse myself into the Steem platform, continue with self-introspection, and hope for the best.
"Exited comfort zone" by posting about all of this: Achieved
Now, to drag someone else into the fray as I think we're supposed to do,
I nominate @eaglespirit
I have to say I commend you for taking this challenge. I can actually imagine how much uncomfortableness you were feeling while writing this all, you definitely know how to connect others to your feelings. I want to sincerely thank you for taking the time, the guts, and all just to describe all of this and be open and vulnerable as that is no easy feat at all. I appreciate all you do on steemit and discord, heck I have felt your unwavering support and caring nature. I am glad you got out of that toxic place in your life with your abusive relationship and the toxic place online as well in that group, especially knowing how much this was affecting you during it all.
I also have the aversion to being overwhelmed by too much noise, I often call it an over-exposure which apparently is linked to at least being partially an introvert. It is quite possible you do have PTSD. If you ever get curious about treatment, you should look into a therapist that does emdr therapy, they use it specifically for people. It is very amazing. I actually was told that I may have some past traumas so I went for a session and it was amazing what it does, I do need to go back for another. But, any of that or not, I adore you. You are such a wonderful human being.
Thank you so much for your lovely and informative comment. I remember hearing something about EMDR therapy long ago, but didn't remember the details or for what purpose it is used. I will definitely consider that if I do find the courage to seek assistance. Thank you so much for your compassionate and wonderful words! I especially appreciate the last two sentences, and I assure you the feeling is mutual!
I relate to so much of this. Obviously my story is different, but the anxiety, oversensitivity, avoidance of drama or pretty much anything that feels "toxic"... all of it. I live in the country and leave the house as little as possible, though I make an effort to socialize my kids so they hopefully don't end up with the same kind of issues. I grew up an only child with very few friends, and I'm most comfortable out in nature, singing to the trees. BUT... here I've found so many like myself, and am loving my Steemit/Discord social life! Hugs to you, and deep breaths. 💖
I had no idea that we had that much in common, but perhaps that is why we seem to understand each other so well. Thank you for the heartfelt comment, dear lady!
That first graphic is ALL THE THINGS!
This is an incredibly brave post, especially considering what you've gone through. I've had issues with depression and anxiety over the years, so much of what you said resonated with me (and at the same time, I wanted to reach through the screen and give you a big hug!).
I know you didn't write this looking for advice, but I wanted to suggest something, if you haven't already investigated it. Have you had a blood test done recently, checking for vitamin D and iron deficiencies? I ask, because a few years back, at a point that I wasn't functioning well at all, my PC discovered both my levels were rock bottom. Supplementing wasn't a cure all, but it definitely helped a bit.
In any case, you did an amazing job stepping out of your comfort zone. Sending the brightest blessings to you.
via GIPHY
I have not had any blood tests done recently. However, I do take a multivitamin supplement, even though I do try to eat a balanced diet most of the time. It amazes me how many of us seem to have problems with depression and anxiety. Wow, you too. Thank you for your virtual hugs! I appreciate them so much and send them back to you, too!
Yep, as soon as I started talking about my anxiety/depression, I was amazed by how many friends I found had similar issues. While it's great to have a large support system, I'd rather we were all bonding over our love of cryptocurrency or something... 😜
Also, I was taking a number of supplements (included D3) when I was diagnosed with the deficiency. My PC told me to start taking 5 times as much D3 (I believe it was from 1,000mcg to 5,000 mcg) because I don't spend enough time in direct sunlight each day (which, no surprise, is a common problem these days).
Thanks for the return hugs! ❤️
Not enough time in direct sunlight...? Maybe we could call it "crypto disease" because we're all on our laptops with Steemit and DIscord! LOL!
LOLOL! Perfect! 😊
My @thekittygirl,
See how I took possession of you :)
I am so honored that you shared your story and thankful that we are becoming of anything online friends. My heart and love go out to you and I see myself in parts of your story.
I’m happy for the conversations we have had and that I know more of your story. I feel your loss and ache, but know that your love is watching over you and still giving you strength. We are always connected to all things, especially those who are never truly gone.
If you had not tagged me in Discord I never would have seen this, Gina must have been down. She’s been moody lately. Girls! Lol
Well, I’m not sure how I feel about this tag but maybe I’ll rant a little lol much love to you! Eagle xx
Ps Xanax does suck and they had my 98 year old addicted and popping like candy. Maybe writing therapy? We are here for you lovely soul.
Thank you so much for your beautiful comment. You are welcome for the tag in Discord, as I know how notifications seldom work on this platform. I also appreciate your rising to the challenge of my nomination and bursting through with a post of your own! Thank you, dear lady!
You are so very welcome and I hope you are doing fabulous, I am certain you are! yes, I rose and conquered. LOL
you are welcome and blessings to you. xx Eagle
A part of your life story reminds me of mine. I was a very shy person when i was
a kid. This shyness became part of my life because i was raised up in away which
denied my privilege to socialize with people. But my shyness started disappearing
gradually when i finally found steemit. I must commend you for sharing your life
story with us. @thekittygirl.
Thank you for your comment, and sharing that Steemit has helped you with your shyness. I am glad that it helped, and that you appreciated my story. Thank you!
Some people just seem to get more than their fare share of bumpy roads in life. I consider myself one of those people too, and I really relate to so much of what you have been through, especially the awkward childhood followed by the abusive relationship, followed by finding the right person.
I can completely imagine that I would become reclusive or anxious or even lose my marbles if I lost my husband. Facing the world without that love and support has got to be an unfathomably difficult thing to do. I think it's great that you are finding community and finding a way to process everything you've been through!
I am sorry to hear you have experienced an abusive relationship, too. It erodes one's self-esteem away to such a large degree. I am glad you have found the right person, though, and I do appreciate your comment so much! Thank you!
❤️
It's ok. We all have feelings, we are all human. Your post allows those of us who have experienced a loss. My condolences and best wishes to your healing.
#improv has always been there to help me with my anxiety. even just going to an improv show, being around others, quietly watching fun shows, laughing in a room with others. crying in the dark at something touching. Art and Theater remind us of our humanity. Maybe, may I suggest, a living arts show: Music, Theater, Comedy, Improv.
If you ever have any questions about improv, you can find me on discord (jacobts). Wishing you love and blessings. Wishing you all the very best.
At the moment, I can't imagine going to a live show, but I will keep your suggestion in mind if I find such available with a VERY small group of people. Before the anxiety became so debilitating, I did enjoy the occasional concert or theatre production. Thank you for your suggestion and the comforting words!
gives you a big hug🤗
Thank you so very much!
Hi @thekittygirl, first, I want to send you my virtual hugs! I admire your courage to post this. I can relate in some parts that I am also socially awkward and very anxious in real life. It's not all the time but from time to time it happens. I used to have a lot of friends but I've just experienced too much pain that I want to protect myself from people who are physically close to me. My only social life is Steemit and discord too. I find it so ironic and so amazing how I can feel more connection and warmth from people who are far away from me, online.
I wish you well. If you are ready I think a therapist would help instead of pills. Although I haven't experienced therapy from a real Psychologist as such service is rare and costly in my country.
Wow, so we have the same problem in common. Thank you for your comment, the encouragemennt that I am not alone in this, and the virtual hugs! I appreciate it all.
You're welcome. Sending more virtual hugs. <3
Such an interesting competition! And your participation is very interesting. I also, like you , feel anxious being in a crowd of people. I think such feelings are normal for many.
Thank you for your lovely comment, dear! Perhaps it is more common than I imagined.
The first thing I'm going to say is NO ONE NOMINATE ME FOR THIS CHALLENGE! I am not that brave! @kittygirl this post was sooooo brave and wonderful, I can't imagine the tears and emotion that went into writing it. I'm so happy to know you better through this post and applaud you for a wonderful piece of writing. I'm so new to the blockchain but I see you EVERYWHERE on Discord and ALWAYS giving a helping hand to EVERYONE! You are truly a treasure. Have you thought about doing any of the online therapies? I think the better ones are betterhelp.com or talkspace.com. Maybe someone else on here has had some direct experience - just something to think about. Sending you lots of love, you're an amazing strong human being!
Oh, what a wonderful thing to say, that I have made a positive impression on you! Thank you for sharing that! I am only trying to give back some of the help I received when I came here. Thank you also for the suggestion about online therapies, as that is something I had not considered; it certainly might be easier than any alternatives! I appreciate that idea, very much!
@thekittygirl this post was presented at the morning session of Pimp Your Post Thursday on the Steemit Ramble Discord. It was one of five choosen for the video report on the session. Just stopping back to let you know that you can see your name in lights right here. (Just kidding about the lights :)
Thank you for your appreciation of my post, and for featuring it in your curation! You are definitely a gem for all that you do to help promote us minnows!
I'm sure this was difficult and emotionally draining to write, that being said, good for you for writing it and sharing this very personal part of you. I truly wish you all the best for the future.
Thank you very much for the lovely comment and the well-wishes! They are certainly appreciated!
It may have been difficult putting this out here, but not impossible , I commend you for your openness and honesty. There is one benefit though of that sheltered growing up period when you were younger, less "friends " to back stab you, which kids have a tendency to do all too often.
You so often have a way of finding the positive in things! Bravo for that!
Thank you so much for taking the time to read and comment! 😊
Hi @thekittygirl,
I suffer terribly from anxiety, so I know how hard it would have been to put all that together... and post it.
I can't handle anyone talking to me in a loud tone, or any aggressive talking, or people being angry, it terrifies me, I get the shakes and heart palpations as you mentioned, the overwhelming feeling of being unsafe is profound.
Anyway, thank you for opening up and getting out of your comfort zone, it helped me with my current zone. 😃
Amazing, that you also have these problems! I am also surprised that just reading my post helped you with your current comfort zone, but I am glad it did! Thank you for sharing a bit about yourself here, too!
I like your post, I will resteem your post because according to my post you deserve to be in the know by others. I think your post is perfect
Thank you for the comment and the resteem!
i remembered at one point i get a series of anxiety breakdown many years ago. It was as if i was frozen and i couldn't control what is going on, i remembered i hated that feeling of losing control. It took a lot of encouragement and self determination for me to gain back my confidence, set my goals straight and overcome it my fears. Can u imagine? at one point, i can get anxiety because I'm afraid of animals?
I hope us at the steemit community not only helped you to step out of your comfort zone, but also expand your comfort zone. We deserve more joy in life, and i only wish you all the best, smile, and don't worry =)
Thank you for your encouragement! 😊 I also wish you well in dealing with your own feelings of anxiety and fear of animals.
Thank you so much for this, and ALL of your resteems! 😊
Being able to share these sorts of things with others is one step towards feeling better about yourself and knowing you CAN do it. I am proud of you, as someone who deals with depression.
Thank you for your encouraging words! 😊 I wish you well with your dealings with depression.
A big step out of your comfort zone is to be commended. I can relate to what you are going through, in my own way, so I get the angst. I often wonder if I should post something I've written or not. I've run some posts by others first for feedback, but its always yes, what's the problem, go ahead. But we personally feel attached to out stories, and our experiences, I guess.
Anyway, glad you've got Steemit to socialise on. And Discord can be great as well. All the best.
Thank you so much for your lovely comment! 😊
This post is sponsored by @appreciator in collaboration with #steemitbloggers. Keep up the good work
Thank you so very much for your upvote, support, and for curating my post in your digest!
This is a brilliant blog, @kittygirl. Really heartfelt and honest. There can be a real catharsis in writing stuff like this. This internet communicating can be a double-edged sword, but it can allow us to express stuff that it is difficult to express elsewhere.
As I was typing, I thought, I wonder if she is on the autistic spectrum. My son is (I am, a little), and he gets very overwhelmed in a crowd. It's a sensory overload type thing. As I have got older, crowds are far more difficult for me to deal with too.
I would be careful with the Xanax. I have taken it on occasion, and I do not like it at all. It is very numbing. Okay for an emergency, but it changes a person.
Please keep posting like this.
Thank you for the wonderful comment! Interesting, that you wondered about the autistic spectrum, too, and you are coming from a place of personal experience with it. I appreciate your lovely words and understanding! 😊 So, do you have any coping techniques for crowds and unfamiliar situations, or do you simply try to avoid them, as i am doing?
I tend to avoid them for the most part! Sometimes you can't though, and I have two children and to avoid crowds all the time would see them miss out. I am better if I am with them - they keep me grounded - and when I am in a crowd, I tend to stay near the fringes. With my son being on the spectrum, he isn't a big fan of them either, so my wife and my daughter often go off and do things together, which is fine by all of us.
I think it's important that a person doesn't avoid them altogether. There are times when you have to be in one, and if you have avoiding them for too long, it will give rise to a lot of anxiety. It's hard, though.
I'm impressed by your honest and 'uncomfortable' post @thekittygirl. It can be such a challenge to feel discomfort while just trying to live your life.
I'm a psychologist, so I might be super biased and believe me if I say I do hear ya when you talk about feeling scared of the idea of spilling your guts to a stranger, but oh would I love to see you talking to a therapist! Without underestimating the severity of your anxieties, anxiety is basically one of the easiest things to treat! There are many coping strategies that already can be taught in 2 to 3 sessions! You don't even always have to go that deep to the source to already feel helped and make your life just that little bit easier...
Here in The Netherlands we don't work with drugs much, I would also never recommend trying that as a first remedy. It's often just suppressing feelings and creating an illusion of 'feeling better'. No judgement to those who use or need it, just my advise based on what you're sharing with us.
And from a non-therapist standpoint: I just want to give you a virtual hug :-) Good luck with this and be proud of stepping out of your comfort zone!
Thank you for the lovely and encouraging comment! Hearing that anxiety is one of the easiest things to treat is definitely a surprise, as it seems to be a deeply-entrenched thing with so many facets. Thank you for the virtual hugs and your kind and thought words! 😊
Ah, no thanks needed! I just feel like there are so many problems in our lifes we can sort of 'solve', and it just is such an upgrade to your well-being and general state of happiness if that succeeds!
The individual anxieties are relatively easy to treat - panic attacks are something that can be controlled with the right exercises, and if you want to get rid of crowd or street or other anxieties you can do that too. There might be a hormonal or another underlying component of course, which is what makes it complex and 'deeply-entranched', so a perfect solution might not be there, but your life can become so much easier!
See if you can find a cognitive behavioral therapist (with license please) in your area! If I need to check their website with a professional eye please let me know?
(I realize healthcare is basically free in the Netherlands, so I have no ideas if my 'motivational speech' about going into therapy has a very negative financial component in it for you - I hope it's available to you.)
Girl, I just adore you. I feel a million times closer to you now, and have learned more about you in a single post than in the 2ish months we've "known" each other. Beautiful piece of writing from a beautiful soul.
When I nominated you it was because you'd helped me cross a boundary with posting a bit of poetry. You gave me the nudge to do something that, as it turns out, didn't kill me like I was sure it would :)
But you, my dear, just broke the mold. What am amazing post and beautiful look inward. And perhaps (you never know) a giant first step in understanding the why.
Xanax sucks and will just make you a zombie. But perhaps a therapist isn't the worst idea? Just my two cents. I believe there are even ways to do it online; perhaps you'd feel more comfortable that way? Whatever you decide, I thank you for writing this. Look at how many people share similar issues? You might spend time alone, but you are definitely not alone.
Thank you so much, dear one, for that lovely comment! I really appreciate your heartfelt and encouraging words! And as frightening as it was to post this, yes, I discovered there are many others who suffer from the same problem, so that makes me feel not so quite alone in this. Thank you for tagging me to get my mind thinking in this direction! 😊
Firstly I just love your superheroine "anxiety girl, able to leap to the worst conclusion in a single bound" - this made me burst out laughing because it says it all so perfectly!!
I commend you big time for sharing this anxiety-ridden part of you and insights as to the history/origins of it. This kind of thing can be really scary to acknowledge never mind to share and you did so with courage and clarity. As I read my compassion is big for you and at the same time it's so clear how strong and smart and funny and capable you are.
Great to get to know you a bit more @thekittygirl, thanks for trusting us with your secret self!
Thank you for stepping closer, rather than running away, as I reveal more of my secret self! I am glad that Anxiety Girl could make you laugh, too! Your comment is greatly appreciated, as are all of the generous and frequent upvotes to my posts! Your lovely words have made my day! Thank you for everything! 😊
Stepping out of your comfort zone is the best way to improve yourself in many ways. I've been trying to leave my comfort zone as much as I can for more than a year now and I can truly say, it's amazing how much we can do and achieve if we stop sitting in our comfort zone all day. I too was pretty anxious most of the time, I can't say that I'm still not anxious some times, but I've been trying to beat my own mind constantly. It's hard and takes time, but it's getting better the more you try to improve yourself!
Thank you for your encouragement and positive outlook. Bravo for your progress! 😊
Oh, boy. Thank you for having the courage to share this. The strength it takes to get through things like this, and then the resulting anxieties are so hard to live with sometimes. I can relate on a smaller level as my experiences are different. But, in my experience, albeit less intense. the route of accepting and learning how to work with it in your life has worked better for me than trying to ignore/get rid of/control it. Thanks again for sharing and I'm excited to take a look around your blog!
Thank you for taking the time to read, and then leave a lovely comment! I appreciate your thoughtfulness and your uncouraging words! 😊
Great you've taken up the challenge!! Slay onward! :) Cheers to all moving forward, great post!
Thank you for the encouraging words and for taking the time to read and comment! 😊
Congratulations on your post. I applaud you for your courage and willingness to share your experiences on this platform. I look forward to reading more of your posts.
Thank you, very kindly, for your heartfelt comment! 😊
Wow, thekittygirl! That was such a brutally honest portrayal of your anxiety and my heart goes out to you. It's such a difficult thing to share these innermost fears.
Your writing is beautiful and you come across as a really decent, kind person.
I wish you all the best with your future health.
Anj x
Thank you so very much for the lovely comment and well wishes! 😊
If your comfort zone is Steemit, are you interested in attending a Steemit meetup in Raleigh in June? I am trying to get the Carolinas together (and further if anyone is interested) for a meetup during Cryptolina 2018.
As I stated in my post (and indeed, was the entire point of my post), I have panic attacks in crowds of people, especially when they are strangers. Therefore, I would not fare well at a meetup. Besides, Raleigh is a six-hour drive, or more, from my current location, so it would be difficult even without panic attacks.
No. That was a article I shared. That wasn't an introduction of me. This is my 1st introduction post. Look at my history & all please if you may. I put the info of the author not mine. Why would I list the phone number if it was me? I been on spl from the beginning never cheat or anything. I play & live a fair life i'm 63. Look at the tags..no introduction tag. "bitcoin steemit jedi yoda new"
I have no idea what you are talking about, or why you made this comment on my post. I think you meant to comment on someone else's post, perhaps?